I think about my ex of 2 years every single day

a year and a half ago i was two years into a great relationship with the most perfect girl of the same interest in art and she cared about me so much and we would go to the beach together and go to university together and she was so beautiful and i was suffering severe depression and undiagnosed anxiety. this really drew on her energy but she stayed with me in our house.

 

then i became so depressed and anxious (at the time i didnt know what my panic attacks were about i just thought i was losing my mind) and i thought about how unhappy i was and due to the depression only noticed the bad things, i would see my girlfriend, my loving girlfriend and only see how she didnt love me or how she didnt care or how she was unhappy with me; rather than realising that she was drained from my relentless sadness.

 

i broke up with her. she asked if it was so i could see other girls, i said no, i said i needed to sort myself out. because i knew that with her i would use her as an emotional crutch and would not get back on my two feet and get out of the severe depression i was suffering from. i left. then came back to talk to her, then we rekindled everything for one night, and it was amazing, but in the morning i felt so depressed that when she said "so are we together" i just said no and left. she was absolutely devistated.

 

three days later my grandmother died.

i went to school and went up to my sweetheart and said "my grandmother died", and she shifted from upset angry disgruntled girl that wouldnt talk to me, to something wonderfull and i missed. she took me downstairs outside of the university and sat with me and held me and wrapped her arms around me while i cried.

 

four days after that i was notified i was being evicted from the house i was renting and had 3 weeks notice. the owners wanted to move back in.

 

so i left melbourne, went back to my parents old house in the country, didnt have anything to do with my ex, she wouldnt speak to me, and i was so distraught because all i wanted to do was talk to her and tell her how sorry and how much i missed her and how much i loved her.

 

i spent the summer working crap hospitality jobs earning not much money, then came back to uni for my last year, sadly i could not avoid the girl who i loved so much and yet felt so terrible about seeing, the face of guilt or something, so i went thru half a year tormenting myself in a small classroom everyday with this girl there, and she would not look at me or talk to me or anything and every class i sat as close to the door as possible so after the class i could run out before anyone else and not see her eyes.

 

so by now i had completely lost it. i was dillusional, anxiety attacks, paranoia, depression, psychosis, and i went straight into a mental hospital and 'lived' there for 6 weeks. the kind of place where the food is terrible, and you hear people screaming for no reason down corridoors, and they try out all sorts of medication on you that make you more insane and you really feel you are crazy in there. really.

 

so while i was in the hospital i made a film about me and my life and how i see the world. it talked about what had happened to me leading up to going into hospital and other events. i made artworks while i was in hospital which were big pieces of paper and i would as finely as possible write "i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you" over and over again and again and again and try to fill these door sized pieces of paper. i never could finish. i would give up. i thought that maybe i could prove to her that i loved her and she would see how much by my effort put into this. but i never showed her. and i never talked to her again.

 

i think about her every single day. i cried every single night after we broke up for about half a year, and when i went into hospital once again i cried every single night and even during the day when i would be treated by a psychiatrist or counsilor, i would tell them all my story and i would break down, crying and shaking. shivering, and twitching.

 

i think about her every single day and every single night

and i have lost hope.

i have nothing left

she was everything

 

11.11pm 11-5-08